Writing to right myself

Today, I have so much to do and I am not doing it. Being out of work means having some kind of self-imposed routine. Something I do not seem to have today. I have taken one job-search-related action today. Supposedly that is all I have to do every day - one action. Doesn't feel like enough. So writing is one way to get myself motivated.

The idea of writing about things I really know is not a new one. From time immemorial, writers have memorialized their most compelling and most trivial moments in novels, poems and memoirs. Yet writing down memories, using writing to reflect and remember - just has not occurred to me as a legitimate endeavor - for me.

I've spent so much time comparing myself to other writers (wow! I actually include myself in that category...), that my life isn't interesting enough or I haven't done the kind of things that other people write about. It's definitely blocked my ability to use writing as a tool for expressing myself. Interesting that I have not been able to use writing for myself because I compare myself to others. So I myself am not enough, is the ipso facto of that equation.

While I'm not sure how or why it happened, it is now clear to me that I am enough. That what I do or think or say or want is just fine for me. It's not about fitting myself into the round hole by shaving off inconvenient or unpleasant or unwelcome or even hidden parts of me. I have striven to fit in, rather than to have the right fit. So now under Project Right Fit, I am committed to the idea that there IS a right fit for me, perhaps several of them, and it's a matter of me choosing the right one for now.

Working for the diva certainly propelled me along this trajectory. I have spent many years wishing to get close to celebrity - either become one myself or be friends with one or two or more. The daydreams about marrying Prince Albert of Monaco or George Clooney. The fantasies about Julia Roberts wanting to be my friend because we have the same first name. The thinking that celebrities have something I also have and they will recognize it once they see me, meet me, talk to me. They, too, will want what I have. Just as I have charmed masses of mere mortals and become a power of example for many ordinary folks, I can charm the stars themselves into accepting and loving me.

It's as if I never grew up in some very fundamental way. I've held on to my childhood fantasies of marrying a millionaire, of becoming a movie star, of being President of the United States, of writing the best-selling novel of the century - of having my own fame and fortune, or at least sharing in someone else's fame and fortune. Of course, I haven't taken the steps toward fulfilling these fantasies. I've pursued other paths, other fantasies from childhood such as making the world a happier place, a more just place, a socially civilized place. And the job at NYRP was like my step into a childhood fantasy - reflected glory from working for the diva. Oh how naive I was! Maybe naive isn't the right word. It was simply shocking to realize that she was not going to give me a chance to charm her. I was ostracized from the word go. I was not "her staff." Why did I think I ever could be? I believed so much in my own personal power, in my own magnetism, that I felt I would register more quickly as a "good guy" in her camp. But no. I wonder what could have made a difference. Not hiring Naomi? Maybe, but the diva wasn't talking to me from the very beginning. You know, this is where I get into trouble, trying to figure out how I could have behaved differently. The point for me is that it wasn't a fit, I knew it wasn't a fit, I wanted to find out how much not a fit it was, and I went ahead and made a hiring decision with the awareness that I was finding out where my authority began and ended. And I did find out. That was an awful day, having to ask her for a second chance. What a b****, "I don't know, Julia. What have you learned?" I still think my response was right on target:"to be a steward of your vision." And I am not satisfied with being a steward of anyone else's sole vision. A group vision, great. I can help a group find their vision - if everyone is willing to play. If the most important person is unwilling to play, it can't happen. And so it went. Now I have this little fantasy that she'll remember me, she'll realize how good I was, blah blah blah. If she remembers me at all, she'll do so with contempt and dismissal. I do know I did my best for NYRP, and I believe they are in better shape now than they were before I arrived.

So the lesson for me includes "right fit" and earn my own fame and fortune, if that is really what I want. I do want to influence people on a wide scale. I do want to practice the principles of courtesy, open-mindedness, positive thinking, honesty, integrity, self-examination, personal accountability, kindness, respect for self and others, hard work, life-long learning, generosity, support, service, charity, fairness and love. I want to value myself, my life and my learning. I want to help give voice to the silent - including myself. I want to be someplace where I get to shine on my own merits and achievements, where my personality is valued and welcomed, and where I make a difference for the good of others. Don't know where, don't know when...but do know that it will happen.

With this acceptance that I am just exactly right, and that I can/will find the right fit of work for me, I'm finding that I understand the work needed to fulfill my dreams and fantasies. It is hard work to stay positive, to keep on the road and not rest overlong, to take action day after day, to believe in myself and my abilities and talents, to allow my passions to take me along, to have faith and allow God to exist and guide me, to forgive others for being human and hurting me.

Hard work that I can do, because all I have to do is from inside. Instead of referring to the outside world to see how I'm doing, I go inside to see if I feel aligned with my values, my skills, my passions. If I am, then I'm doing great. If I feel out of integrity with myself, that's what I need to address. This is a giant revelation to me, this self-acceptance and self-referencing.

The old way of being was in some ways grounded in my belief that I was all-powerful, that I could somehow mold others to my reality, that I could mold reality to my wishes. I've been supported in that egotistical belief by therapists and friends and employees who have told me that I'm so amazing, so special, so gifted, so inspirational, so much a power of example, so visionary, so really different and almost saintlike. And I've drunk it all in.

A heady mixture of praise, with a little bit of criticism from Linda. How I let her stay in my life is almost beyond me. Maybe there always was hope for me, as I kept the value of self-examination and listening to others. Because I still don't know exactly how or if I'll be able to mitigate my shortcomings regarding colleagues and bosses and other ego-maniacs. But perhaps I'll have a fresh appreciation of what I do well, what I don't do well, and what I can value in other people. The arrogance and contempt for those who don't think as I do - very unpleasant traits that I'd be very well rid of! Perhaps by valuing myself by my own standards, I can allow others to be valuable according to their own standards.

Now - let's be honest here - I still am striving for sainthood, but perhaps with a bit more humility. Humility born of the humiliation of having absolutely no impact on someone's opinion of me - or rather, having only the impact of worsening someone's opinion of me - completely against my will and intent.

Not everyone will like me. Sob! Why is that so hard to accept? I just think I'm so fantastic. Is this what it means to be a "person among people," "one among the many?" I can be fantastic and still not be everyone's cup of tea. Just as they are not mine. If I never see the diva again, it will be too soon. She is just not a very pleasant human being. And I don't think she'll mind my absence from her life either.